Taking a Breath

For this week’s post, I don’t have an update regarding Levi’s work since I spent the past week grooming in the carriage driving division at the New England Morgan Horse show.

The experience was intense in a number of ways and I have much to say about it, but as I am still formulating how I will do so in a tactful and appropriate way, I will not write about it just yet, but it will be addressed. I returned home late Friday night, and visited with Levi briefly yesterday, for couple of hours. Levi is truly my special person. He holds space for me regardless of how I am feeling, but I am always quite careful about my emotional state when I do work with him. It’s paramount that we refrain from the tendency to use horses as our emotional sponges due to their generous nature, and negativity has absolutely no place in my training. If I am off my game even slightly, he notices, and I notice, and it is almost hypocritical of me to ask anything from him in that situation because we both know. Due to some events I experienced at the Morgan horse show that have pushed me off my usually stoic and positive baseline, I am still processing some things that I do not want to expose to him and I am very mindful of that. We don’t work meaningfully together unless I am in a position where I can give 100%. I think this is paramount in terms of how I interact with Levi, which is why I am writing about it here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a step back and letting the horse just keep to himself and live his horse life while waiting for you to return to him physically and emotionally. From my view, emotional control is so essential for working with horses that it is the foundation of my training. A stoic mind and selfless heart is required with these young ones, to keep them willing and happy in their work. I know this to be the truth, because what I have observed and encountered to the contrary this week has left me with absolutely no doubt: we are on the right path. I have decided that I won't allow anyone or anything to interfere with that.

Absolutely, under no circumstances, will I allow myself to be emotionally compromised in regard to Levi’s schooling. Although fortunately I am not anywhere near regrettable state at this time, because I can’t put into words here what happened last week and how I want to deal with it (nor do I wish to negatively influence anyone reading because we have all either been exposed to, personally dealt with, or are fully aware of the consequences of human violence and mistreatment of horses), I am only giving him the best of what I can give which, yesterday, and likely today as well, is just my best energy, time, and affection. I greeted him with a hug (Levi really gives the nicest bear hugs - ask anyone at this barn if you want to), brought him out of his stall, and walked with him around the farm yesterday, doing nothing/going nowhere special in particular but just noticing and commenting on what we observed in our environment. We just chit-chatted as I watched his feet, eyes, and ears as we walked, telling him little gossips (which he absolutely loves - he leans in and locks his ear onto me as I whisper all the juicy deets), and we watched the polo horses working in the field beyond the boundaries of the farm. We stopped and listened to the rumble of the trailers as the polo ponies made their way back home after the match. We waved to the drivers of the trucks as they bounced past along the dirt road; the drivers grinned broadly and laughed at the sight of Levi, who, at the very moment they were passing by, was actually scratching his private area (yes, he is that flexible!) with one hind leg up in the air! I am sure they will remember us and look for us next time. We were the only ones outside due to the gathering storm, and we stood there for a moment just contemplating it. Little raindrops fell in a random pattern, darkening the arena sand and Levi's bright bay coat. Levi was very interested in a large pile of gravel that had been placed somewhere outside his paddock, so I let him explore that for a moment, but not long enough for him to actually spread it all out along the drive. He was also interested in anything new that had transpired in the equipment storage barn so we checked that out - he is always interested in this because changes in the location of things happen quite frequently here which has caused surprise and alarm in the past for horses, so he often keeps tabs on what goes on in there. Our little walk then turned into a little patrol, with us assuming the role of security officers, and we checked out everything including the trailers, making sure all was well and there were no interlopers present or anything missing. If all of this so far seems a bit anthropomorphic and silly to you, well, fucking deal with it; perhaps your time is better spent beating a horse into winning a blue ribbon than reading about our mundane and mediocre little activities.

I felt so grateful that Levi and I have found this wonderful place for him to grow up, and where we can grow together. I am so grateful that his needs are met, and we can do our work together without the constant gnawing worry that he doesn’t have enough and that he isn’t happy, or worse. He has more than enough here. The new little fat pads on his sides, which are no longer a critical point for me because they represent the temporary effects of this blessed largesse and the current limitations of our environment on our ability to work off said fat pads, are loved just as equally as the 100% effort he gives me in training. Yesterday afternoon after our walk, we just stood in the outdoor arena at Levi’s leisure, and I let him roll in the sand and point out specific places on his body that he wanted me to attend to (which he often does on our walks before we train), and just stare at objects off in the distance while thinking his unfathomable little Levi thoughts, as he often does. I spend a lot of time in a state of deep focus with him, as usual, but yesterday even more mindfully while noticing every aspect of how he was moving his body and how he was responding. I took a mental snapshot of everything I observed, which I find has helped me. I find that placing deep focus on Levi without expectation, simply practicing observation and appropriate response with no judgement or assumption, only observation and giving that appropriate response based on that second or minute of information that is given, to be very positive for us both. I leaned hard into this yesterday, as we had spent many days apart. I don’t jump right back into training in such cases and particularly when I feel like I am not in a state where I am fully present to give.

I have much more to say, but this will suffice for today's update.